2024: another year of depression and chronic health issues, but also another year of unexpected miracles and countless blessings.  2024 was a year that God allowed me to experience His assurance of peace and purpose through my struggles with sin and my suffering through trials. Through it all, I have learned what it means to be a human being who must daily, if not moment by moment, lean on the deep grace and love of Jesus Christ. 

At first glance, I could look at this year and think that it was the same as any other year, with the same patterns of stomach issues, followed by my binge eating disorder, spiraling into apathy, depression, and self-condemnation. I would get up again and again, only to be victorious for a day or two. In this perspective, Satan would win. I would blame myself and God continually, dwell in sin and shame, resulting in isolation and darkness. And it is true, I let Satan win so many times. I could not stop having negative conversations with myself, destroying myself for any imperfections, and giving into sin to validate my feelings. As with any other depression episode, I lost hope and connection with God and chose to dwell in sinful behaviors. I shutter at these memories because it was as if a dark spirit surrounded me and kept me from seeing any light or goodness. 

However, I could also choose to see the constant mercy and grace of God that was always with me, even when I was deep in my sin. Everyday I condemned myself for my habitual sins, idolatrous thoughts, prideful desires, and selfish motivations. This is exactly what Satan wants me to do, followed by convincing me with the questions, “Does God really love me? Did Jesus really die for all my sins? Does God really redeem brokenness and suffering?” Consequently, I carried the burdens of all my sins, trying to be perfect and measure up to God’s holiness to earn His love. What happened next? Even more depression and sorrow because Satan was wrong. I soon realized I’ll never be able to be perfect – that is the truth. Why? 

Because I am human. 

Yet, I am a human saved by a Savior Jesus Christ who came to earth to experience temptation just like us, gave his life as a perfect sacrifice to God when we could not, and resurrected from the grave to redeem us from sin. 

The following verses have helped me see more clearly the mercy and grace of God through Jesus Christ:

Romans 5:8-11 

“But God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by His blood, much more shall we be saved by Him from the wrath of God. . .we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”

Romans 7:24-25, 8:1-2

“Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin. There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.”

Hebrews 3:14-18

“Since therefore the children share in flesh and blood, he himself likewise partook of the same things, that through death he might destroy the one who has the power of death, that is, the devil, and deliver all those who through fear of death were subject to lifelong slavery. For surely it is not angels that he helps, but he helps the offspring of Abraham. Therefore he had to be made like his brothers in every respect, so that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in the service of God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people. For because he himself has suffered when tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.“

Hebrews 4:14-16

“Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”

1 John 2:1-2

“But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous. He is the propitiation for our sins, and not for ours only but also for the sins of the whole world.”

Praise be to Jesus who still chooses to redeem me from my sin has already won the victory against Satan on the cross. I still cannot believe that God would love me and send His Son to die for me, a wretched, horrible sinner who keeps rebelling against Him. Nevertheless, isn’t this the Gospel? I’ve known the Good News all my life, and only now do I see it more clearly. 

In conclusion, I will list out specific lessons that God taught me in 2024:

• God revealed to me how much we need to lean on His grace.
  • All my life, I have relied on my perfect to-do lists, eating habits, thoughts, motives… but when I fall, I call myself a failure. And when I realize that I cannot reach perfection, I do not even try or have motivation to keep going forward. 
  • Consequently, I must accept that I am a fallen human being and rely on God’s grace that is sufficient for us each day. I am not loved by God based on my works but solely on Jesus Christ who took my sins upon Himself. 
• God revealed to me my sins of perfectionism and people-pleasing. 
  • Similar to the previous point, I was aiming to reach my perfect standards and to gain people’s validation. As a result, I was afraid to take steps because I told myself I would fail or fail others and God, especially.  
  • I also desire everything to be in a neatly wrapped box, with perfect bows and ribbons, but I must accept that nothing on this earth will ever come close! Instead, my box will be messy with worn out bows. Still, at least I have a box – my life is a gift from God! 
  • Every moment is a constant striving to obey God and to be like Christ because His Word promises peace and joy. However, that is where God’s grace and patience meets us in our obstacles and sins. May we seek to know more of who God is as our patient Father who sees our desires to do our best for Him!
• God revealed to me the suffering Jesus Christ took upon the cross and the pain he took throughout his life.
  • This year was yet another constant battle with chronic physical health issues of headaches, stomachaches, and other GI distress. No matter how hard I prayed, the symptoms lingered every hour, every minute. While taking notes in classes, studying for exams in my room, talking with friends in the dining hall, playing violin in the orchestra, and worshipping in chapel, I had to muster through the pain. 
  • However, that is all it is – pain. It is not death or destruction. Pain is merely another distraction, another tool that Satan is using to make us doubt God and His Goodness. Pain is simply a reminder that this is a sinful and broken world, where God is longing to redeem us from and restore our relationship with Him in Heaven, where there is no pain or sorrow. 
  • And while I still live on this earth, God has not chosen to heal me yet but has still graciously sustained me each and every minute. Through every class, exam, conversation, chapel service, rehearsal, and performance, God has allowed me to witness His Goodness and Provision. He also has given me countless brothers and sisters to walk with me in my darkest moments and encourage me with His Promises. 
  • Most importantly, through my pain, He revealed to me the deepest suffering Jesus Himself went through during his time on the earth and on the cross, emotional, physical, and spiritual suffering. If Jesus Himself cried out to God in desperation, how much more should I be crying out to Him? After all, I am not alone in my suffering – Jesus knows exactly how I feel. And how amazing that God would send His Son down to earth so He can experience how us humans suffer through pain? 
• God revealed to me that no matter how deep my habitual sins are, His salvation and love is deeper, still. 
  • Every day is a battle! Just keep fighting and looking to Jesus – our advocate!
• God revealed to me that even if circumstances are not 100% certain or understandable, do not worry! 
  • We are not meant to know everything and have our lives figured out on this earth, or we would not be human. We also cannot wait until our circumstances are resolved to go forward; we can trust God and obey His calling right in this moment of uncertainty! 
• Through deep questions and doubt, God revealed to me little by little the glimpse of His glorious mystery through the Gospel and His Word.
  • This year I was in the depths of habitual sin and constant self-condemnation, feeding my mind with negative thoughts and desires. I asked deep questions with close friends/mentors and God Himself about the nature of sin and God’s Love. 
  • In the end, these hard conversations became a starting point to delve deeper into God’s character and the Gospel. They questioned the assurance of my faith and salvation in Jesus and my trust in God’s Word.

Every year, we all like to judge and compare ourselves to our previous years, feeling depressed about all the areas we have not grown in and feeling hopeless about the future years. We can also feel happy and somewhat satisfied with growth in our weaknesses and feel thankful for what we have accomplished and learned.

No matter what, God continually calls each of us to humbly repent of our sins and pursue His calling for our lives. And let us focus on what He is calling us to do each day. As my mother has told me countless times, 

“Every moment is an opportunity to get up (from our sin) and follow God!” 

My prayer for this next year is not to be able to be productive everyday and reach all my goals, but my prayer is that God would help me depend on His Grace, as well as to trust that in His sovereignty, He is working out everything for His Good Purposes. 

May we run the race set before us, laying aside our regrets and sins, and instead, looking to Jesus, the Founder and Perfecter of our Faith (Hebrews 12:1-2)!