If I’m being honest, 2023 was one of the hardest years, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. As the picture shows above, I felt like a straight line, still stuck continuing in the same struggles and sins from the previous years. My constant headaches, stomachaches, and fatigue continued every minute of the day, which were made worse with my binge eating disorder. Consequently, I was living a life in the darkness, full of guilt, shame, and pain, hiding from my friends and family. I did not want to show that I was weak and hurting inside, so I continued to show that I was happy and doing fine on the outside. Any insecurity of feeling inadequate in ability compared to my classmates, any fear of others’ opinions of me, any doubt of God’s faithfulness, or simply any feeling of despair and discouragement easily brought me to the depths of depression and sin. Instead of running to God, my flesh immediately ran to food in large amounts for satisfaction, until I physically felt sick, as well as the internet for distraction from my already sinful self. These fleshly desires and habits quickly became my lifestyle, as they took over my life, my mind, my desires, my time, my friendships, and most importantly, my relationship with God. I felt like David who wrote in Psalm 40:12, “For evils have encompassed me beyond number; my iniquities have overtaken me, and I cannot see; they are more than the hairs of my head; my heart fails me.”

As a Christian, I struggled with the doctrines of God’s sovereignty and man’s free will, sin and Christ’s forgiveness. How could a sovereign God allow me to reach for those foods and waste my life? Why couldn’t He stop me before I sin? If Christ forgave me, why am I still sinning? Does God care that I’m living a life of habitual sin? Even though I am grateful to have grown up in a Christian family, all I’ve ever desired was to have my eyes opened to the Truth and Freedom of the Gospel through Jesus Christ dying on the cross for my sins. After conversations with my mother and other mentors, I’ve started to understand that this side of heaven will always be full of sin and pain because Satan is the ruler of the earthly world. Satan wants us to dwell in our misery, taking us away from God, the Supreme ruler of the earthly and heavenly world. While I do not have all the answers to my countless questions and doubts, I pray that I will continue seeking God and striving to know Him better through His Word.

2024 will inevitably have its struggles and trials, but I pray that God will give me a heart that is open to His Word, His guidance, and His sovereignty over every area of my life. I desire Jesus to truly be ruler over my health issues, my eating disorder, my depression, my anxiety, and my dreams.

My theme for 2024 is “Walk by Faith”. There are countless unknowns, regarding my health, my school semesters, my summer internships, and my overall future. I’m also afraid of falling into depression and dwelling in self-pity as I have in my past, but I know that the God who brought me to this day will sustain me each day, each hour. As Paul wrote in Philippians 1:6, “I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” May I walk by faith day by day, looking forward to the day that God will renew all pain and suffering in eternal heaven.

My top three practical applications:

1. Starting and ending the day with God’s Word, not my phone.
   1. Building a foundation in the Truth of the Bible, which can help fight my battles with depression
2. Walking with God every moment of the day, remembering that I am not my own but His workmanship.
   1. Remembering that the Lord made me and dwells in me so I should not destroy my body with unhealthy eating habits
3. Cultivating gratitude for God’s faithfulness and compassion towards others who are also made in God’s Image
   1. Instead of resenting others of what you cannot eat or have, be grateful for what God has already given you
   2. Instead of looking inwardly at your sins, serve and care for others, encouraging them to keep looking to Christ

My top five lessons:

1. God has a unique journey and story for each person; why are you trying to compare with others? Also, no one will completely understand your situation and feelings; only God knows.
2. No person or circumstance will ever be perfect; accept shortcomings and failures as God wanting to teach you valuable lessons.
3. You are never too far gone from God’s Grace and Love; repent and surrender your sins before Christ. There is always hope and redemption in your brokenness.
4. If you think that God is not helping you, He has already put brothers and sisters in your life for a purpose. In humility, ask others for help and confess your burdens to them.
5. You are only man, not God, so stop worrying about the future. Just focus on today, this hour, this moment and focus on the task that God has called you to.

“So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal...

so we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight.”

~ 2 Corinthians 4:16-18, 5:6-8