As I reflect over this past year of 2022, I realized that the main struggles I have been facing are my fears and weaknesses. Whether I am facing people, social situations, schoolwork, papers, or exams, I always let fear stop me from going forward in life. I especially have a huge fear with people because I have a bad habit of feeling self-conscious as if they are always judging me and I also have a habit of comparing myself with them, their personality and abilities. As a result, I am not able to fully be myself around them, leading me to be frustrated at myself and being confused with who God made me to be. I also love to overthink every situation or conversation which makes me become discouraged or depressed easily. In addition, I have a huge fear of trying new things that make me get out of my comfort zone, leading to my fear of the future, including my future career and job. Finally, I am also to an extent a perfectionist, making me have a fear of failure or not doing something perfectly. All these fears stop me from taking even one step forward or doing my best in whatever is in front of me.

Consequently, with all my fears of literally anything in life, my next greatest struggle is my weaknesses. I have a bad habit of letting all the fears overwhelm me and turning them into my weaknesses, blinding me from going forward and causing me to become depressed. Depression then leads to thoughts of feeling useless because all my weaknesses are just too great, making me feel like I will never contribute anything to the society. I relate with David when he writes in Psalm 40:12, “my iniquities have overtaken me, and I cannot see; they are more than the hairs of my head; my heart fails me.” Indeed, I have been blinded by my countless fears and weaknesses.

However, I am thankful that the story does not end there. God in His abundant mercy and grace has allowed me to experience and truly see that “His power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9) This year, He has especially brought individuals in my life to remind me that I am not alone in my struggles and to continually encourage me with God’s Promises. Numerous conversations and interactions with people were placed at the right time and I could not be more thankful that God would still allow me to see His blessings. I am also thankful that God has given me a desire of confession; I truly have seen the power of confession that James writes in 5:16. “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.” How beautiful and freeing it is when we live according to how God designed us to be, in community, encouraging and building each other up (Hebrews 10:24).

Despite my struggle with fears and weaknesses, I have actually learned and progressed in different ways.

First, I have realized the value of confession and reaching out to others about what I am struggling with. Satan always attacks us when we are the most vulnerable which is when we are alone, thinking no one else will ever understand. This then leads to depression and suicidal thoughts of feeling useless in the world. However, this year I have seen how the many experiences and sins I encountered were not useless but were actually valuable to others. I could understand what they were going through and could encourage them in how God has worked in my life in the past. There were several moments where I just had to marvel at God’s grace to allow me to see a glimpse of Him working through my struggles for His glory.

Second, I am realizing more and more that my life is so much more than just my appearance, grades, accomplishments, number of friends, or the amount of things I own. While these are all still important to think about and are God’s gifts to us, I must remember that at the end of our lives, all we have is our hearts and souls before God. For example, I realized that when I was sick four times this past year, I could not do anything but lay in bed and pray to God in my heart as well as recite Bible verses in my head. The things of this world may seem so attractive but we will soon realize that nothing in this world will ever satisfy us. Only when our whole lives are grounded in God and His Word are we fulfilled. (1 Peter 1:24-25) Therefore, we need to be vigilant to make sure that everything we read, watch, think about, listen to, or take in is drawing us closer to the Truth, not the world.

Lastly, I will write out in a list of the many other lessons I have begun to learn:

• God’s grace is truly sufficient for each day
• Feelings are good companions but not good leaders
• Challenges are opportunities to grow
• Anything worthwhile will take effort
• All God requires of us is to take one step forward
• Walk with God in the mountains and the valleys
• Anything you are able to do is not by your own strength but God’s alone
• Keep abiding with God and in His Word daily, pressing forward “towards the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:13)

For the last part of my reflection, I want to look forward to the next year by writing out reminders for the areas in my life I hope to work on:

1. I want to place my confidence and trust in God alone, not giving into fear or doubt. (Isaiah 41:10, Hebrews 10:23)

• Whether it’s having conversations with people of differing personalities or experiences, trying new things, participating in activities or classes that are out of my comfort zone, or training my brain to think more deeply about things

2. I want to be at peace with who God made me to be with the strengths and weaknesses He has given me, not comparing myself with others

• Whether I’m in class, hearing other peoples’ thoughts, or doing schoolwork, where the thoughts creep in

3.I want to find my sole identity in Him, not in how I look, how social I am, how productive I am, how smart I am, or how successful I am in this world.

4. I want to be build disciplines of healthy habits and thought patterns which draw me closer to God.

• Starting the day with His Word, exercise, and water
• Going throughout the day with a heart posture of meekness and thankfulness to God
• Seek opportunities to serve and care for others in different ways and point others to God in your words and actions
• Ending the day by remembering His blessings and His constant presence

5. I want to genuinely care for the people in my life, and not only those who care for me but also those who do not always show care towards me

6. Last of all, I want to be a willing, humble vessel for God wherever He leads me.

I would like to close out my reflection with these lyrics from “My Worth is Not in What I Own” which are wonderful reminders of our worth in Christ:

My worth is not in what I own
Not in the strength of flesh and bone
But in the costly wounds of love
At the cross

My worth is not in skill or name
In win or lose, in pride or shame
But in the blood of Christ that flowed
At the cross

I rejoice in my redeemer
Greatest treasure
Wellspring of my soul
And I will trust in him, no other
My soul is satisfied in him alone

As summer flowers we fade and die
Fame, youth and beauty hurry by
But life eternal calls to us
At the cross

I will not boast in wealth or might
Or human wisdom’s fleeting light
But I will boast in knowing Christ
At the cross

I rejoice in my redeemer
Greatest treasure
Wellspring of my soul
I will trust in him, no other
My soul is satisfied in him alone