I entered 2021 full of anxiety for the future: What college does God want me to go? How will I finish high school? Will I still be alive? Throughout all the unknowns, God reminded me to just take one step at a time and to not worry about the future.

So during the first few months, I focused on practicing violin for college recordings, as well as for my senior recital. As someone who becomes overwhelmed and nervous the weeks leading up to performances, my anxiety increased every week. However, in each situation, God truly provided a way for me. While I felt inadequate, I did the best I could do, and God remained faithful in doing His part.

Yet I would easily forget God’s faithfulness in my life, and I continually fell into depression and sorrow. One week, I would be praising God at a mountaintop, and the next week, I would be doubting God in the valley. I constantly became stuck in my head, battling with negative and depressed thoughts. Some days I could not even find the strength to read God’s Word or pray to Him. Still, His grace sustained me: I am thankful that in the midst of darkness, He gave me the desire and strength to serve in the church in multiple ways. Even though COVID prevented the church from meeting in person, technology allowed us to still connect and encourage one another. God continually demonstrated His love through brothers and sisters around me to restore my mind and to keep me in God’s Word.

However, not only did my mental health fall, but my physical health also fell. Having had digestion issues for about two years, I always felt discouraged and frustrated at why God could not heal me. While my issues were very minimal compared to others, they still impacted me every moment of the day. My parents brought me to multiple doctors and bought many supplements to try to help me, but none of them made a difference. And I have to admit I think I knew why…along with my many failures in the past, I am not proud of what I did. But I do believe that for every problem we face, God can use it to help others who may be dealing with the same problem. For months in secret, I had been dealing with an issue of binge eating. I won’t go into detail, but I simply had an addiction to food. I know this may sound strange to many people, but it was and continues to still be a great struggle. Whenever I felt frustrated at myself for not being productive or for not feeling well, I would give into my addiction. Consequently, I could not stop blaming myself for making my health worse, and my depression only became worse. I felt stuck in cycles of guilt and shame.

Just when I thought I would never be able to find the light again, God somehow still found a way to deliver me out of the darkest valley. Miraculously, through the process, God clearly showed to me which school He wanted me to go. It was a school I originally just thought as a back up but now saw His true purpose for me there. Additionally, in June, I graduated high school. I never thought this day would come, but it was a testament to God’s faithfulness.

Now onto the summer of 2021…Full of adventures with friends and family, it was one of the best summers I ever had. While I still suffered through many struggles and was not as productive as I had wished, I just kept trying to press forward each day. I did my very best to prepare for a new stage of life, one that I was very afraid of, which was going to college. Having never lived away from home myself, I could not stop thinking about all my fears and challenges, regarding academics and health. But I knew God wanted me to take a step of faith.

Unfortunately, my fear overtook me, leading me to return home for the semester. When I thought the spring months of 2021 were the deepest valleys, the fall months of 2021 were even deeper. I was in the deepest trench, and I truly could not find any strength to get back up. Emotions of regret and discouragement, along with apathy and depression blinded my mind from God’s Word. The worst of it all was that I could not even find desire to seek God through the darkness. My binge eating reached the highest level, and I wasted all my time on the internet…In addition, without any church community or many brothers and sisters around me, I felt that God had abandoned me and was so disappointed in me. And to me, I thought the reason was because I gave into my fears and left college. Yes, my health was also not great, but inside, I knew the root of the problem was in my heart.

Yet, once again, how is our God so loving? Even when we fail, God remains faithful and merciful. Just to name a few of His provisions, He provided a sister in Christ to be my mentor throughout the darkest months, He gave me the desire and strength to open up my struggles to my parents, and I know this sounds funny, but the day I wanted to give up, He even allowed me to get my driver’s license! Lastly, He provided a family friend to walk with me through similar physical health struggles; knowing that we were not alone in our issues was a great comfort. There were so many moments that when I felt like giving up completely, God still reminded me of His goodness. And I couldn’t be more grateful to Him.

As 2021 came to a close, there were countless actions I wish I could change, countless thoughts I wish I never had. However, God slowly restored my mind and heart to choose Him over my sins. He allowed me to surrender every one of my burdens onto Him. After all, His Word reminds us that we need to daily lay our sins before Jesus, our Savior, who sacrificed Himself to take away all our guilt and mistakes. Truly without Jesus, I would still be deep in the darkest valleys, falling deeper into my sins. But I am beyond thankful that God gave me the desire and strength to once again choose to surrender my life to follow Him. And I pray that no matter how great my sin, I will always submit my life to God.

. . .

Before I close, I would like to go back to the summer of 2021. The day was Monday, August 2, and it was the most clear and sunny day I had ever seen. That day, Jack, Vivian, and I drove to a rocky beach, as we spent the day exploring and talking together. I’ll never forget the most beautiful and peaceful moments at the beach, as we watched the sun go down and the skies become orange and pink. I think it’s safe to say that we three love sunsets 😀

And there’s something so special about sunsets. Even though the sun goes down and darkness covers over the sky, the next morning, the sun rises and light brightens the sky. Then, it repeats every day. Likewise, I am reminded that while the darkness may seem to last, the light will soon arrive, if we are willing to find the light. When we do, God will be waiting for us, guiding us towards the light. While the choice or even the desire to seek Him may seem so impossible, once we make the choice, we will have eternal joy and peace in God, as well as a life that is fully centered on Jesus. He never promises to leave us or forsake us but only to always be by our side. As long as we keep doing our best to walk by His truth, He will provide, in His timing.

. . .

2021 truly was a year of mountains and valleys. It brought great sorrows yet also great joys, deep failures yet also deep lessons, immense doubt yet also immense faith to remind me that our God is faithful, loving, gracious, and merciful. While I am still struggling and learning, I pray that I would live out this verse everyday:

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.”

Hebrews 12:1-2

Through it all, 2021 taught me one lesson:

God remains faithful through the mountains and valleys.

And, to my surprise, but by God’s grace, I still made it alive at the end of the year 🙂