Regret. Frustration. Anger. Sadness. Depression. The list went on, as I felt like I was falling deeper in my sins. From the moment I woke up to the moment I fell asleep, my mind and heart were overcome with burdens. I did not want to live another depressing day. Another day where I failed again and again. In fact, if all I did was fail, did I have purpose?

I have struggled with having purpose my whole life. While I grew up in a Christian home, being homeschooled until college, I still felt lost in my identity. On the outside, I seemed to be a “perfect” pastor’s daughter who was such a good Christian and a self-diligent student. But inside, my heart and mind were constantly full of battles, dealing with sinful desires and thoughts.

It all started when I was around eight or nine years old. Even at such a young age, the temptation of the internet was too great. When I was supposed to be doing homework, I wasted hours watching videos and shows online, secretly. Then it became worse, when I had a desire to watch videos relating to sexual intimacy. Yes, I know. I was not even ten years old, and I had already entered a dangerous zone of sin. Inside, my heart knew that what I was watching was immoral, but I still did it anyway because somehow my soul felt satisfied. This sin continued over the years and only worsened. At first, I only had the desire every few months, but later, in my high school years, the desire arose every few weeks…and soon almost every day. The moment I am writing this, I am in tears, as I feel so ashamed of my actions. I never wanted to let anyone know, especially those in my family and at my church. How would anyone see me the same way again? More importantly, how would God see me?

However, my sins did not stop there. During middle and high school, I also watched TV shows that explicitly promoted killing and suicide. Consequently, all my thoughts and desires were full of darkness and death. Almost every moment, from doing the dishes to practicing violin, my mind ached every second from feelings of suicide. Gradually, the darkness overwhelmed the light, and I could not even find true care and love for those around me. I desperately tried to have even just one thought of joy, yet I still felt like I was drowning deeper and deeper into a pit. Thus, the extent of my depression and apathy made it almost impossible for me to do schoolwork. I had no desire to do anything productive, except to cry in my failures and realize that perhaps I had no future ahead.

During this time, where was God? To me, He felt incredibly distant. I knew I myself made the choice to watch such inappropriate and evil things, so I couldn’t stop dwelling in guilt, shame, and regret. I knew for sure that God was angry at me for failing over and over again. So, in some ways, I just accepted the fact that I’ll always be a failure…I thought maybe I should just believe in the thoughts and desires I was having.

The year of 2018 was the peak: I was going with my family to Taiwan to visit my grandparents, but I had never felt so lost and lonely before. Even the night before, I felt like I was being directly attacked by Satan. I just laid in bed for hours, trapped in fear and despair. Then came the 16-hour plane ride to Taiwan, where I could not stop crying out to God.

However, in the midst of the battles, I am thankful that God still gave the desire to seek His Truth over Satan’s lies. I had recently received a book called God’s Words of Life for Women and I constantly flipped through the pages, reading every verse. I desperately wanted anything, anything at all, to have joyful and happy thoughts, instead of negative and dark thoughts. Through it all, one particular verse was repeated countless times in my mind:

“Submit to God.

Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.”

James 4:7

Truly only by God’s grace did He slowly fill my mind and heart again with His joy and love. By the end of the trip, I was able to find true love for my grandparents and family again. Miraculously, God renewed my desires again to do my best for Him in my studies and in my life. Still, the following days and months were not easy. The same persistent battles as before attacked my mind at many times throughout the day. The thought of giving up was too tempting.

Another battle began in February of that year: I had a list of violin competitions that my mother wanted me to join, including trying out for a music program in the city. But I wanted to give up, and I decided not to participate in any, until one day my spirit felt lacking of something God wanted me to do. Inside, I knew God wanted me to just do my best and that is what I did. My parents always reminded me that when I do my part, God will do His. The following months demonstrated this to be true: I won first prize in two competitions and was even accepted into the music program called the Juilliard Pre-College. This was only possible by God’s precious grace towards me. Only possible by God who gave me the strength and ability to persevere.

I say all of this not out of pride but to demonstrate how unbelievably grateful I am to God for still loving me as His own daughter. He revealed that I still have purpose. I – a wretched and broken sinner, one who kept failing day after day, one who made immoral choices – still had purpose.

. . .

But, what does it exactly mean to have purpose? Is our purpose to win competitions and be accepted in programs? Is our purpose to always be happy? Moreover, why do we easily lose our sense of purpose, especially when we are living in bad circumstances? How can we remind ourselves of our purpose?

To be honest, I don’t have the all the answers to these questions, but I do have God’s Word that continually declares that we have true purpose for our lives.

During the darkest moments, we often forget the foundation of our faith: the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

From the very beginning on the sixth day of creation, God created man and woman (Genesis 1:27) to work and live in the beautiful world He created. However, Satan caused them to sin, allowing sin to permanently destroy the earth and our relationship with God (Genesis 3). Still, as God is Love, He gave His only Son, Jesus Christ, to come to dwell in the flesh on earth to experience the suffering we all have to face (Hebrews 2:9). And Jesus who is perfect and sinless, paid the ultimate sacrifice to die on the cross for all of our sins (Romans 5). Through His resurrection from the grave two days later, our relationship with God is restored, and as Christians, we will spend eternity with God (John 3:16, 1 Corinthians 15).

You may have heard this Good News many times, but do we just recite it as a story or do we truly believe it and live it out? If anything, Jesus coming down on earth to save us from our sins should help us realize that our lives matter and that we have purpose on this earth.

Ultimately, our purpose begins with our identity in Jesus Christ. No, our purpose is not to have many achievements, a great amount of wealth, many friends, or to be beautiful. (While these are all good things and are God’s gifts to us, these should not be our ultimate goal in life.) But our purpose is to do everything for the glory of God, the One who gives us breath (Colossians 3:23). Furthermore, while we live out the purpose God has given us, we are to “proclaim the excellencies of Him who called [us] out of darkness into his marvelous light.” (1 Peter 2:9)

Besides the Gospel, here are some verses that speak of our lives having purpose:

• Ephesians 2:10 “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.”
• Isaiah 45:18 “For thus says the Lord, who created the heavens (he is God!), who formed the earth and made it (he established it; he formed it to be inhabited!): “‘I am the Lord, and there is no other…’”
• Psalm 139:13-14 “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”
• Psalm 139:16 “Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.”

. . .

However, even after knowing our purpose and value in God, Satan will continue to attack our minds. We must be ready with the armor of God to push Satan away and to declare the victory of Jesus over Satan! If thoughts of suicide enter your mind, pray these verses into your heart and declare God’s Truth over Satan’s lies:

• 1 Corinthians 3:16 “Do you not know that you are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in you? If anyone destroys God’s temple, God will destroy him. For God’s temple is holy, and you are that temple.”
• 1 Peter 5:7-8 “casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world.”
• James 4:7 “Submit to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.”
• 1 Corinthians 15:57 “But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.”

Even though having such suicidal thoughts may be our own intentional mistake, as it was for me, let us humbly repent and surrender our sins before God. His forgiveness is able to fully cleanse us from our sins and renew a new heart in us. Through His Son Jesus, we have a second chance to learn from our mistakes and failures. May we remember that God sees us as His children full of purpose. We are not failures. We are not accidents.

Looking back at my life, I have sinned greatly before God. I am not proud of my actions, and I do wish I could reverse the choices I made. However, behind every problem, there is a purpose. And I can choose to see my terrible mistakes or God’s precious grace towards me all these years. The choice is ours: we can either dwell in our sins forever or dwell in God’s promises of eternal forgiveness and hope.

. . .

To end, I want to share a quote that renewed my perspective on life. Katherine Wolf, a young mother who experienced sudden brain damage and lost ability to carry out many normal body functions, wrote the following quote in her book Suffer Strong:

“If we have a pulse, we have a purpose.”

KATHERINE AND JAY Wolf, suffer strong (Michigan: Zondervan Books, 2020) 189.

Bibliography

Wolf, Katherine and Jay, Suffer Strong. Michigan: Zondervan Books, 2020.

Notes

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this (long) post! I hope it encouraged you in even a small way. I personally want to acknowledge and thank certain individuals in my life who have helped me throughout every battle to remind me of God’s promises. Without them, I would not be here, writing this post. May God’s Truth continually take root in our hearts to remind us that we each have a purpose. We are not in this battle alone!

(All quotes from the Bible are ESV)