In Honor of My Grandfather

It’s amazing how forty-five minutes can completely transform your life.

I played every note of my senior recital with incredible passion – an ability I never knew I was capable of.

Nevertheless, the transformation was not only the forty-five minutes of my violin playing in Paul Hall, The Juilliard School. The process had begun that week, that year, and the years before. However, I will save sharing about my whole journey for another time and will focus on the week prior to the performance, which was on Saturday, March 6.

Every morning when I woke up, my mind would be flooded with anxieties and nerves, counting down the days until my recital. Whether I was doing my homework, eating meals, or doing the dishes, I would constantly think about the long program I had to memorize and play.

Consequently, every evening, I would play through the pieces for my mother in a mock performance to help me be prepared for the recital. On Monday at 9 pm, I remember the first time “performing” in the living room as my mother sat on the sofa as my audience. Since it was the first time I was playing in my dress and in a mask, I was extremely uncomfortable. All the notes and intonation were gone, and I thought to myself, “Well, now I know how terrible my recital will go on Saturday.” I played to the end, but my heart was already taken over by fear and hopelessness. Immediately afterwards, I rushed into my bed, and tears rushed over my face for hours.

In the midst of my sobs, I cried out to God, “I really cannot do this recital. It is too much for me!”

I wanted to give up and even run away because the immense fear of my recital was just too much for me to handle. During those dark moments, I felt completely lost and anxious, with no strength to continue on…

Still, God was by my side.

He gave me an encouraging sister in Christ, my best friend, who reminded me with these words:

“God will provide and [it’s] just a matter of faith.”

Peace immediately entered my heart, and I believed God would carry me through the week and through the recital.

And He did. By His grace, I was able to face the following days with courage, picking up my violin with diligence and passion to perform every evening for my mother. As the day of the recital came closer, excitement began to stir inside me, yet I was still feeling overwhelmed. Especially after having made many mistakes at my rehearsal with my accompanist, I felt even more nervous about my performance. Therefore, I decided to write Bible verses and reminders all throughout my music to help my mind be focused on the character of each passage.

This also allowed my mind to focus not on my problems, but on Christ alone.

. . .

Thankfully, the week passed through quickly, and I arrived at the day of my recital. Every hour leading up to my recital, which was at 3 pm, my mind was filled with anxieties and fears. As I tend to overthink every situation I face, I became nervous just thinking about myself walking onto the stage and playing on the stage, while people would be watching me over live stream. Nevertheless, my amazing mother was always there to encourage me:

“Just do your best! God and your family are 100% behind you!”

It was now thirty minutes to the recital. In my heart and on my phone, I had written down my prayers to God:

• That I would play my heart out to God
• That I would play in honor to my grandparents – 公公, 婆婆, 阿媽, and 阿公
• That I would surrender all my thoughts, burdens, anxieties, as well as my constant headaches and stomach aches
• That I would focus on the music and not lose focus
• That I would persevere and have strength
• That I would have faith and grow in character and wisdom
• That I would bring the beauty of music to those listening
• Most importantly, that I would bring glory to God

I also wrote this to myself which eased my mind greatly:

“He’s given you so much grace, love, safety, even breath…so why not just play out for Him?”

The time finally came for me to walk out onto the beautiful stage of Paul Hall, an empty hall, just myself and God. I could not believe this moment was here. All my preparation, nerves, and worries.

The forty-five minutes were about to begin.

I took a deep breath. I played out the first chord of the Bach Sonata No. 1 Adagio. The notes flowed out beautifully and clearly and rang out into the hall. In those moments, my mind was totally wrapped up in the music; I played to the end of the piece, with no mistakes!

Then I came to a set of quick notes in the second piece, Piazzolla Tango Etude No. 3, and my mind suddenly blanked out. My fingers lost their place. Right away, I panicked, but I was comforted by Jesus’ words in Matthew 11:28, in which He says,

“Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and

I will give you rest.”

Therefore, I continued onwards into the third piece, the Bruch Concerto, which was twenty minutes long by itself. However, there was a sense of peace, along with passion, in my heart that I had never had before, as I played my heart out to God.

The Adagio, Second Movement was dedicated to my grandfather who had passed away in April 2020 due to COVID-19, leaving my family in great sorrow. Consequently, I played out the notes and phrases with all the emotion I could, with cries in my heart to my 公公, whom I missed, and still miss, dearly. As I held the last note of the movement, my eyes were brimming with tears.

However, just as heaven will wipe away all tears, my heart leapt with joy when my accompanist began the triumphant third and last movement of the concerto. I could not stop smiling because of how good and gracious God had been to me. In the past year, alone, I had gone through suffering, losing not only my grandfather on my mother’s side, but also my grandmother on my father’s side. I also had been, and still have been, experiencing health issues that have made doing daily activities, including doing homework and practicing violin, very difficult. In addition, I know I have failed to do my part countless times.

Still, God’s grace has been sufficient for me.

I made it to the last note of the piece, and as I played a hymn (“Blessed Assurance”) at the end the recital, I completely gave my heart to God, thanking Him for having so much compassion on me and for giving me purpose in my life. In the midst of numerous battles and worries in my mind, I could still play out on my violin and sing in my heart,

“Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine

Oh, what a foretaste of glory divine

Heir of salvation, purchase of God

Born of His spirit, washed in His blood

. . .

This is my story, this is my song

Praising my Savior all the day long

This is my story, this is my song

Praising my Savior all the day long”

– Blessed Assurance, Fanny Crosby

As I took my last bows and walked off the stage, I truly could not believe that I had made it to this point! God had brought me over the mountain that had seemed so impossible to overcome. My heart overflowed with thankfulness and praise to God.

During the next hours, days, and weeks, God’s blessings poured out before me. Every one of my prayers prior to the recital God had graciously answered. He had provided so much for me. Not only did I grow in faith and character, but also I was told by people that they had enjoyed my playing.

Beginning the week in a dark valley to ending the week on top of a mountain, I truly experienced God’s working. Through it all, He gave me such amazing individuals to encourage me to never lose hope in Him. Having been there for every battle I have faced since I was ten years old, my best friend has been one of God’s greatest blessings to me. I am also seeing how God provided such a compassionate mother to listen to me “perform” every evening and to support me every day. And I cannot forget my own father who has been a wonderful inspiration to me all my life and who still watched my recital even though he was not feeling well that day. Lastly, I am also grateful to several other brothers and sisters in Christ who prayed for me and with me as I expressed my anxieties.

As I easily become anxious, these verses have continually carried me through challenging times, especially through my senior recital:

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 4:4-6

Those forty-five minutes truly changed my life, changed my perspective on life, and changed my heart. They were the best forty-five minutes that I could ever imagine.

If you are interested, here is a recording of my senior recital: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1QngJhOk_Lw. Hope you enjoy it!

As my last post was about one year ago (May 10), I write again regarding my grandfather because of his great impact on my life.